A Lost Man's Memoirs

Beirut, 30 December 2013

How many watersheds are there in the average lifespan of a typical human being? Growing up, I thought I would go through a couple of life-altering events. But now, I am starting to believe they could be up to 10–15 events. A watershed, however, does not necessarily entail a complete redefinition of one's embraced mindset and envisaged road map in their entirety. There will always be leftovers from the previously adopted convictions. I firmly believe that life is a process in which we incessantly customize ourselves to function smoothly throughout the different stages of living. This customization includes reinforcing many ancient components within the character, abandoning others, and introducing a few new ones.

This year, I am going through a new watershed that should result in a confusing mixture of positive and negative complications, as I am witnessing the demise of too many immanent components and the rise of too many unfamiliar ones. These events are unavoidable; however, they're manageable—irrespective of the saddening fact that I personally never manage to manage the manageable! Hence I always worry about the final product, the new redefined me, resulting from such turning points.

When a milestone makes me turn into a humanized thing I despise, I try to relive the older selves I have once been. This is achievable by holding on to dozens of dust-filled memories neatly tucked under the bed within my subconscious. By now, you should have realized that I am already rummaging through dusty memoirs to distract myself and redirect it towards a lesser undesired outcome. The picture above, for instance, always reminds me of a euphoric moment I wish I can have again. I always look at this photo—along with a few others taken on the same day, the day before, or the day after but I cannot share them—if I want to revisit a period of time in which I put the whole world on hold and experienced unfeigned joy and raw carelessness about everything about me.

I have always envied the way she loved life and smiled right in front of hardships, and I fucking miss Beirut so much!